I’m getting a divorce

If you’ve sent me an email lately, I may have taken a very long time to get back to you. Here’s why.

Literally every aspect of my life is totally up in the air right now. Why? Because — I can’t believe I’m about to publicly declare this – I am getting a divorce.

I’m not one for airing my dirty laundry in public, so I am going to be short & sweet about this:

  1. I won’t be talking in great detail about what happened here. I don’t think it’s particularly mature and it’s not good for C. But no, no one cheated.
  2. C and I have moved into a small apartment and are sharing a room. I bought a twin bed for the first time ever. I’m not sure whether I’ll be sharing photos of our space or not, as I am feeling much more private about my life right now. I’m trying to create as relaxing a space as possible for us.
  3. Being a single mom is harder than I ever thought it would be, but not in the way I thought it would be. I feel such an intense need to protect C from this awful situation, and the knowledge that she is now from a “broken home” kills me. But it is better than the alternative, so that brings me some solace. She is doing well and seems relaxed (despite FOUR MOLARS coming in at once, people!). 

Overall, we are doing okay, definitely as well as can be expected. I have very much appreciated my clients’ understanding and patience (I swear, I really do have the best clients ever – Amy, I’m especially looking at you!), and all the support I have received from my friends – but especially from my family. I am so incredibly lucky to have my parents.

Please be patient with me as I try to get the details of my new life worked out in the coming months – I will be slower to respond to emails than usual. Thank you.

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48 Responses to I’m getting a divorce

  1. Christine Adornetto says:

    I am so sorry to hear this! I wish you and C the best. I came from a broken home and turned out great! My parents remained civil and are good friends now, just weren’t good married. I hope everything turns out amazing and you are a strong woman who can handle this!!

  2. Jessica Wood says:

    I am a single mom and find it to be the most difficult, rewarding, enjoyable, emotional, relieving, stressful thing I have ever done. I would do it again knowing that I have made the best decision for my daughter.

  3. Maggie Large says:

    I am so sorry to hear it, Sara. Please know that we are all here for you and C as you start this new chapter.

  4. Broke-Ass Bride says:

    Oh Sara, I applaud your bravery and honesty,… and I am so sorry you’re going through this tough time. I’m sure you’re making the best decisions for C. You’re a terrific mom, and that’s all that matters.
    SO MANY HUGS.

  5. Jill says:

    This is an exceptionally difficult time for you right now and am sending you love and support from Canada.
    My parents are still together but my husband’s are not and from the conversations we’ve had about it, I will say this: sometimes it’s better to be in a so-called “broken home” than in a dysfunctional nuclear family. You’re making a choice that will keep C from growing up in an environment where her primary relationship example is an unhappy one and at the end of the day, that is a healthy, intelligent decision, not just for her, but for you as well. Try not to feel guilty and instead, know that you are a smart, capable person and that this hard time will pass and you all will make it through okay. XO.

  6. Anne K. says:

    I said this before, but I’ll say it again. I’m here for you if you need me. I’ve been there. I’m also from a dysfunctional nuclear family. Having parents who are together, but not in a healthy relationship doesn’t do anyone any favors. C will be fine.

    Hang in there, my friend.

  7. Amyfelice says:

    Sara, I am really sorry to hear that, i’m sure it must be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. If you still live nearby, I’d love to get together. Sending lots of support and love.

  8. Marisa says:

    Sweets, I am from a “broken home” and I am a well-functioning, (mostly) normal, successful adult. Sure, I have crap from that, but I’m thinking you have secret emotional crap from growing up and your parents are together. We all have crap.

    So, my advice on her behalf, okay?
    - Don’t shield her from the reality but fake it on her behalf. So, answer all questions factually but don’t mope or be sad on HER behalf. Strong mamas makes for babies that don’t need to worry about their mamas.
    - You come first. YOU COME FIRST. My crap stems from feeling like I had to make life better for my parents because being apart was hard. Shield her from the hard by taking the best possible care you can of yourself. YOU COME FIRST.
    - Her dad is her dad and you don’t have to protect her from his crap. She’ll know that his crap isn’t her crap if you just acknowledge it and let him figure out his relationship with her. The more stable yours is with hers, the more adaptable she will be with his.
    - Good character comes out of crappy situations. Really! She’ll learn to navigate multiple norms, different personalities, and be very good at being herself in different situations.

    She’ll be fine! You must make sure you are, too, okay? The quicker you are (really, truly, deeply, honestly) fine, the better things will be for her.

    Okay, here’s my advice as someone who’s been divorced: the only way out is through. Do what you must to survive. Sleep a lot, watch too much stupid tv, cry every night in the shower, whatever. I drank a glass (or two) of wine a night for many months. Whatever. When it was better, I stopped. It’s like baby-raising: if you worry about the long-term affects of surviving, you end up totally effing your mind. Instead, do what works until it doesn’t.

    AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Don’t feel bad about any lost opportunities for her, don’t feel (overly) sad about *her* new situation. Keep your stuff as YOUR STUFF and don’t project it on to her. Divorces are sad for the adults. They’re sad! You can be sad! She is loved and will be fine. I promise. I swear.

    We can talk more if you ever want to. For now, don’t apologize, man! And go do something nice for yourself. Now. Because I said. (You know I’m being a dictatorial jack ass with love, right?)

  9. PinkyGalore says:

    So sorry to hear about what’s going on. I’m totally speechless. All the best for you and C… you can do it!

  10. Jennifer Buchanan says:

    Blarg. Sending you lots of good wishes and happy vibes.

  11. Sara Olsher says:

    Marisa, this is so amazing. Thank you so much. I will re-read this again and again.

  12. Stephanie says:

    Thinking about you two. The best is yet to come :)

  13. Marisatmartin says:

    Any time. Email or call anytime, okay? Send me a FB msg and I’ll send you my number. Also, maybe I’ll actually get around to writing, “A Divorced Kid’s Guide to Divorce for Parents.” :) Hugs… and wine (or whatever).

    This is a Big Adventure for you and Charlie. Sometimes adventures suck, but in the end, they’re worth the memories.

  14. Danielle says:

    So sorry to hear this!

    My parents divorced when I was really young, so I don’t remember them together. They’re friendly to each other for my brother and I, and we’re ok!

    Take care!!

  15. Abby says:

    As another child of divorce, I totally agree with Marisa on every point. Most especially the parts about taking care of yourself.

  16. Turtle says:

    Very sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself—I have no doubt that you are taking care of C. Best wishes for comfort and peace.

  17. Tabitha says:

    Hugs + Wine!
    Take care of yourself too!
    xoxo

  18. Nasparman says:

    So sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts. Hugs.

  19. Allie says:

    I <3 you and your work, Sarah!!! Always have, always will. You are wonderful and you will continue to be an extraordinary woman, artist, and mummy. xx

  20. tamara says:

    So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you, and hope things start to look up very soon. xo

  21. Amy says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this—it’s scary and sad and shitty— but once you’re through the storm it’s onward and upward. Here’s to an easy path getting there.

  22. Amy L. says:

    OH, Sara! I am so sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you, and hoping each day gets a little easier. Hugs!

  23. Thespunmonkey says:

    Sara, you are brave for hanging out the laundry, and I hope that whatever you choose to share publicly about this journey into single-mom-hood will be met with support and encouragement.

    I am a child of parents who were divorced before I was two years old. I have zero memory of them being together, so having two parents in two different homes was all I ever knew. My home life never felt broken because I had a mommy who loved me unconditionally and a daddy who loved me unconditionally no matter what the custody arrangement was.
    Behind the scenes, I know that they made a serious commitment to support each other in parenting and never tangle me up in their personal drama, and for that I am forever grateful (and I know it wasn’t always easy for them). All I ever felt was loved and supported. Period. And that is all your sweet C needs…your unconditional love and support will buoy her up through this and so much more. She’ll be totally awesome. Or rather, she will continue to be awesome, and so will you!

    I wholeheartedly second the excellent advice to take good care of YOU right now. It sounds like you have a solid circle of support to ease you onto this new path. I’m sending you some love and support, too, from the wilds of Vermont. xoxoxo

  24. Kelly M says:

    Oh Sara, I am so sorry to hear this. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. The best thing you can do for C i,s A: take care of yourself, and B: BE CIVIL. My parents failed at the last part, it was ugly. Much luck to you my dear.

  25. Jackie says:

    Sara, I’m so sorry to hear this. :(
    I wish the best for you and C! Big hugs

  26. Sara, I began following you back on weddingbee around the time that I was married and have followed you here on this blog ever since. In that time I myself have also gotten a divorce, moved out on my own for the first time ever, freaked out, cried, felt joy-guilt-sadness-happiness and everything in between. But never regret, because we all do what we have to do, and you only have one life to be happy. For that reason I’ll tell you what a good friend told me when she found out what I was going through… and that is: congratulations. Obviously not for the actual divorce, but for living your life and doing what is best, for you. Of course, I’m terribly sorry that anyone has to go through the emotional rollercoaster that comes from divorce, but you will see the light on the other side. You will come out stronger. I’m just past the two year mark from separation and I know I’m finally in the place in life that I was always supposed to be. Some of us just take a couple tries and a round-about route to get there.
    Obviously, I only know you from your blog, but if you ever want to chat or have questions or anything feel free to email me.
    :) Sarah

  27. Fionaeh says:

    So sorry Sara!! By the looks of things here you have lots of support from your online community! Stay strong and as long as you are happy C will be just fine. Good luck with this new chapter!

  28. Carin says:

    ohmygoodness. Sending virtual support from Los Angeles….

  29. Batter Licker says:

    So sorry to hear this, Sara. Sending you and C my best wishes. And don’t worry about the “broken” home bit – as long as C has you supporting her, she’ll be better off than growing up with two extremely, obviously unhappy parents (watching my parents rip each other apart was rough; but it was much better and more peaceful for them and for my sisters and me once they officially called it quits – 15 years later than they should have).

  30. Robin says:

    Im really sorry to hear this, Sara!

    … I left my husband two weeks ago and have been staying in a friend’s spare room. Even with all of the anxiety, heartbreak, and guilt i am feeling,I cant even begin to imagine how hard it is to go through this with a child involved. Please remember that what you are doing is the right thing for you, and that you are never alone. You are a strong person.

    I know that we’ve never met, but If you ever need to talk, please know that im here, and can relate.

  31. zoe says:

    omgosh, so sorry to hear this Sara! :( good luck to you

  32. IveLanded says:

    One thing that I’m learning through my divorce experience is that “truth live in the light”. And in truth there is peace. A hokey way to say……..don’t feel badly. There is obviously a fine balance but sometimes you need to speak for yourself. Good luck.

  33. I am so, so sorry to hear this Sara. Thinking and praying for you and your family during this time…

  34. Sam says:

    I don’t know you, but I have divorced twice with kids and no matter what happened to get you to that point: it sucks. And no matter what happens afterwards: you will rise again. You will get through the uncertain days, and you will provide for your child and yourself, and everything that you gain will be that much sweeter a victory. Take time for yourself but don’t disappear. Appreciate your new life as it will be a series of temporary steps back. I had that twin bed for awhile and then upgraded to a new queen=sweeter victory. I may never pee alone again, but my kids are loved and nourished. Good luck hunnie! -Sam

  35. Sarah says:

    Oh no….. so sorry to hear this Sara : ( Big old e-hug to you and sweet baby girl.

    I know I was just whining last week about being a “broken home” kid, but the truth is me and the other divorced kids I know have grown up to be the strongest, heartiest, most character-rich adults- I really believe that!

    xoxoxoxo

  36. Ambergontrail says:

    Oh Sara. I’m so sorry for this change in your life, but I know there is no doubt you’ll do the very best you can for Charlie (and hopefully yourself!). Big hugs and support from over here.

  37. Tee says:

    This is the first time that I have read your blog, so I am not sure if you are a spiritual person or not. Either way, I am praying for you and your little one… I am a single mom and have been since THE BEGINNING, so it can be done…many sleepless nights, but you both will be fine. *hugs*

  38. Kimra says:

    Oh Sara, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but know that I wish the best for your family.

  39. Rachel Sarah says:

    Sara, I’m all teary (go figure, being 34 weeks pregnant and all). You know a tiny bit of my story through emails, and I’m going to send you some more support privately. xo

  40. Ashley Velez says:

    Oh Sara, I’m so sorry to hear about this. Thinking about you and C during this very difficult time.

  41. Jen says:

    I’m so sorry, Sara! Good luck to you and C.

  42. Sandylwatson says:

    I am thinking of you during this time of transition and wishing the best for you and your baby girl!

  43. Mina says:

    i am sorry to hear this, and am thinking of all of you during this time.

  44. Dianalam789456 says:

    Sorry to hear! Sending positive thoughts to you and C!

  45. Sara Olsher says:

    Thank you everyone, for the support. It really means the world to me.

  46. HelloJalapeno says:

    So sorry, Sara. I’ll be thinking of you guys right now. You are really brave to share such a personal detail with your readers and hope you have all the support you need right now.

  47. Heather says:

    divorce does not need to break a home, I know plenty of people who are married/kids who have two parents under one roof who are growing up in much more “broken” homes, and lots of single parents/non-married parents provide a more stable and healthy environment than when they were married. Try not to buy into the stigma and focus on creating the happy healthy life you want now. Best wishes.

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