Stinkerpants

Parenthood is Nothing Like I Thought it Would Be

August 29, 2010 in Parenthood & Life • Early Days with #1 • Reflections on Parenthood

Thank you guys so much for the awesome comments about Charlie!  It sounds like pretty much everyone who commented wanted to hear all about my experience (and her), so here it goes!  I figure I'll start off with what I've been thinking about most lately: that this is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be.

As someone who entertained the idea of never having kids at all (and had a lot of fears relating to parenthood), I expected to have a completely different experience when I actually brought Charlie home.  First off, I really didn’t expect to bond with her right away.  I figured it would take me awhile to get to know her, and I’d probably have a lot of mixed emotions about parenthood.  I thought I might question whether having a baby was the right decision, and feel nervous about how my life had changed.  I thought I might resent the amount of attention she demanded, or feel completely smothered by her needs and my new responsibilities.  In summary, I thought it would take some time before I was able to truly FEEL that the positives outweighed the sacrifices, even if I knew it in my head.

What I didn’t expect was the love I felt instantaneously.  That she melted my heart the moment they put her on my chest.  That I was overwhelmed by emotion - all of it positive.  And that I felt an intense need to protect her from anything and everything that could ever hurt her, now and for the rest of her life.  If there was a moment when I thought I might have made a mistake, it was because I didn’t think I could handle feeling that much love for one person.  Something about it feels dangerous and scary - because I know that if anything were ever to happen to her, I would break into a hundred million pieces and never heal again. 

Parents do a lot of bitching about their kids, and a lot of complaining about their loss of freedom, their inability to be spontaneous, and their frustration with the way kids have impacted their lives.  A few months back, when I mentioned on Facebook that I was trying to figure out what to do for maternity leave, I got a lot of comments from parents who said things like, “you want to plan something? You’re never going to plan anything ever again! hahahaha!” In general, I’ve found that parents like to scare the ever-living daylights out of pregnant people, like it’s funny or something.  "Your life is over!" is something I've definitely heard more than once over the past 9 months.  But I don’t feel like parents ever really talk about what an extreme JOY it is to have a child.  Those who DO talk about it always struck me as the kinds of people who always wanted children and spent their childhoods playing with dolls, where I was running around outside, playing with matchbox cars.  I didn’t think anyone like me would ever feel the way they did about their kids.

Well, it turns out, I do.  I am 100% completely head over heels for a BABY, which I truly never expected, especially because (total honesty, here) I’ve never really liked other people’s kids.  I have no idea what to do with them.  That being said, I also now understand why parents never talk about the joyous part of it - because I won't either (unless asked).  It's totally nauseating and I would never want to inflict that upon unsuspecting friends and relatives.

But there are, of course, negatives that I didn't anticipate too.  

First off, breastfeeding SUCKS and is HARD.  This deserves its own entry, so more on that later.  The one thing I'll say now, though, is that Charlie is three weeks old and I am going to see a lactation consultant for the fourth time because I absolutely refuse to give up but I still need help. Breastfeeding is far from "the most natural process in the world," and I have needed a lot of help (which I generally don't like to ask for). I didn't expect that.

Secondly, I have had some depression and post-partum anxiety.  I'm feeling a lot better now, so I think it was just "baby blues," instead of the more serious postpartum depression. But I didn't expect it to suck as much as it did, even though I did expect to get it.  I am really thankful that none of my negative feelings were directed at the baby (because then I'd be battling guilt on top of everything else); instead, they were more about her.  I was worried I would drop her, scared of SIDS (well, that fear hasn't gone away), and depressed because I felt unable to control all of the bad things in the world that will surely affect her.  I'm really grateful that Y was, for the most part, pretty understanding and wonderful.

I also had a bit of a freak-out when Y went back to work (he had 2.5 weeks of paternity leave right away, with more to follow in a few months), because I realized that taking care of Charlie was a lot of work for TWO people - and now I'd have to do it alone.  I have a whole new respect for single parents - I don't know how they do it.

I will admit to still being concerned about how to balance my business with taking care of Charlie and making sure the household doesn't fall apart. I already know that something's gotta give, and it's going to be the household.  It's not impossible to take a newborn to the grocery store, but I'll tell you what: it sure as shit isn't worth spending an hour or more of extra time to do something I find tedious to begin with.  I will be utilizing Safeway's $7 deliveries.  $7 is DEFINITELY worth my sanity, that's for sure.  Right now my mom is here, so I haven't been 100% on my own yet.  Luckily having my mom here is like weaning myself off, rather than quitting cold turkey.  I feel more capable to do it on my own now than I did last week.

The lack of sleep has been what I expected it to be, although we've been coping better than I thought we would.  Our house is a total disaster, I'll admit to that, but it's not as big of a disaster as I thought.  So overall, things are much better than I thought they would be, and things are difficult in a different way than I thought they would be.

I must say, even when she is screaming and I don't know why, I am so thankful that Y and I decided to do this.  I thought I was happy before, but I really had no idea how happy I could be.  I think if I'd known how great this was, I would never have considered being child-free to begin with.  That's a strange thing to realize. I'm not going to pretend that my experience will be like anyone else's, and I think making sweeping generalizations is a bad idea.  But I will tell you this: if you are considering having kids and you're not 100% decided, I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is no way to make an educated decision about something like this.  You will never know how wonderful it is until you've already done it.